Ramblings of a mental patient

I’m thinking of deleting this journal. Things are not well. I’m falling. I forgot to pack the brakes.I can’t win, I can’t succeed, no matter what I choose to do I’m fucked.

I keep telling myself that this is just part of my cycle; it will pass. The exhilaration and upswing is just around the corner…

I’m too old for this shit.

In my typical style, on xmass eve I had a minor exorcism and seriously pissed off Kat.

I’d blame it on the booze, but it wasn’t simply the booze. I’m really just a vile, evil human being at times. At any rate, this had the psychological effect of popping a huge mental zit. I’m not terribly happy about having pure, unfiltered bastard inside me, but I’m trying to meet it head on and beat it back down. Admitting some of my underlying neurosis helped a great deal too.My internal mental landscape is much more pleasant to exist in at the moment.

Every 9 months or so I let things go to hell. I become even more bitter, caustic and just miserable to be around than usual. Its usually due to a multitude of minor things that just added up.

I made a deal with Kat to try and help me keep a more objective eye on things. I tend to ignore my emotions until I have a melt down and all hell breaks loose. And as much as I love that she loves me I do realize that people have their limits.So, lets give more frequent bouts of introspection/psychological baggage destruction a try.

Last night I didn’t have to sleep on the porch, so there’s progress.

I finally got fed up with my ghetto rsync/scp method of synchronizing my .emacs file across the 5 boxes or so that I do development on. So, today I finally got around to creating a subversion repository with all my accumulated, unorganized emacs crap.

It wasn’t until I looked at it that I realized what a complete, utter mess it is. Oh well, one thing at a time. I’m sure it’ll take me a a couple weeks to force myself to merge all my halfassed lisp together. Still, its a start.

I’m not usually one to post video clips, but this one stood out. The guy riding this bike is very, very good.

I’m happy to say that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been regrouping and as is my tendency, turned inward of late.

I tend to push people away from me especially when I’m preoccupied. I’m not defending it, just stating that I’m aware I do it and as a consequence have a fairly small social circle.

That all said, I think I might be socializing again. I figured that for a while there was no point in me going out and being a buzzkill. I just had way to much on my mind and I’m not the type to smile and fake it. When I have a bad day, the world has a bad day. I guess I’ll never be a good manager

But for now, the wine is opened, the brownies are cooling and it is time to watch a movie with Kat.

Laziness is downloading an album you already own because you don’t feel like rooting through your CD graveyard and ripping it yourself.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Last night was great fun. Thank you, everyone. Kat took some pictures. You guys all rock.

A picture is worth 1000 words.

This is the card she gave me for my birthday.

I’ll see those of you who can make it out at Ulana’s tonight. Those that can’t, its no big deal. I’m sure we’ll catch up at another point and I can be drunk at you then.